how to fix a relationship

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If you've hit a rough patch in your relationship, you're in good company. For better or for worse, most relationships come with high and low points. Don't worry. We've put together some psychologist-backed tips and tricks that will help you connect and communicate with your partner in a healthy, productive way.

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Tell your partner clearly and openly how you're feeling. Try to talk with them as soon when issues arise instead of bottling up your feelings inside. This way, you and your partner can stay on the same page.^[1] As you open up, try to keep emotion out of the conversation; instead stay grounded on the topic at hand.^[2]
- You might say, "Lately, I feel like our relationship isn't a priority for you. I'm not trying to point any fingers, but I just want to be honest with you."
- Good communication isn't always about being "right." Be prepared to compromise as you talk things out with your partner.

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Listen closely as your partner airs out any issues they have. Communication is a two-way street, and listening is an essential part of a healthy relationship. If your partner is going through a tough time, invite them to share what's on their mind. Try to stay engaged throughout the conversation, and let them know that their thoughts and feelings are important.^[3]
- Restating, reflecting, and summarizing are great ways to be an active listener. You might say something like, "Let me make sure I'm on the same page…" "It sounds like…" or "I can tell that you've been thinking about this a lot."^[4]

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Try to view a situation from your partner's perspective. If you and your partner run into issues about who should be doing what around the home, it's perfectly natural to feel defensive. Instead, try to push past these feelings and view the conversation through your partner's eyes. Your discussion might be more productive and understanding if you look at the issue from their point of view.^[5]
- Instead of saying "I don't get why you're so upset about this," you might say, "I'm sorry you've felt this way. I didn't mean to leave all the trash and recycling to you last night."

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Identify you and your partner's attachment styles. People with different attachment styles tend to act differently.^[6] Attachment styles, or the way you connect and relate to other people, play a role in your relationship.^[7] Compare your attachment style with your partner's in a friendly, open conversation.^[8] Once you know your attachment style, you'll have an easier time addressing your intimacy issues.^[9]
- If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, focus on building your self-esteem and putting yourself out there with your partner.

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You might be repeating a past habit without realizing it. Think about your family life and past relationships. Are your past habits and relationships leaking into your current one? Pinpointing these bad habits can help you separate your past from your present, and lead to healthier conversations with your partner.^[10]
- For example, if you tended to pick fights with your parents as a child, you might pick fights with your partner without realizing it.

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Don't play the blame game with your partner. Instead, think about the kinds of conflicts and arguments you and your partner usually have, and why they happen. Once you recognize and identify these patterns, make an effort to change and mold them into something healthier.^[11]
- For instance, if your partner tends to leave their dirty laundry on the floor, say something like, "I don't want to start a fight, but I've noticed that you don't seem to listen or care when I remind you to put your laundry away. Is there a way we could compromise on this?"

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Every relationship "problem" is just an incorrect answer to a bigger issue. Instead of focusing on individual issues, try to look at the bigger scheme of things. The next time you run into a problem with your partner, focus on the cause instead of the effect.^[12]
- For instance, if your partner forgets to do the dishes, suggest making a chore chart instead of criticizing them for forgetting.
- If your partner is in a bad mood, ask "What's on your mind?" instead of saying "What are you pissed about?"

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Rewind back to the very beginning of your relationship. After spending weeks, months, and years with the same person, it's completely valid to lose a bit of perspective along the way. Instead, think about what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Spend some time reconnecting and chatting—this may help you find your roots, and relight that spark between the both of you.^[13]
- You might ask a simple, open-ended question, like "If a crystal ball could tell you an absolute truth about your past, present, or future, what would you ask?"

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Variety is essential to a healthy relationship. After spending a lot of time with your partner, you might develop a "fantasy bond." This is a fancy term for merging your identity with your partner's, instead of viewing each other as separate people. To break this bond, try changing your usual routine by spending some more quality time with your friends and trying new things.^[14]
- For instance, you might go to the movies one weekend if you usually spend the night in.
- You might try out a new restaurant instead of eating dinner at home.

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Schedule outings or activities to do together. During the hustle and bustle of your daily routine, you might lose that "magic" you had when the relationship first started. Instead, try setting aside time each day to do something really fun or engaging together. Some quality time together might help you rekindle and reconnect in your relationship.^[15]
- For instance, you might sign up for a cooking or dance class together, or take a daily walk around the neighborhood.
- You could have a heartfelt conversation each morning over a cup of coffee.

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Try touching each other more. Believe it or not, simple, affectionate touch can go a long way in a relationship. Touching your partner is a simple but effective way to show that you're thinking about them and that you care. Even something like a simple touch on the forearm can really help rekindle a connection between you and your partner.^[16]
- You might pat your partner on the shoulder if they've had a rough day, or offer to give them a hug.
- If touch isn't a big part of your relationship, talk to your partner about it! An open conversation might help you pinpoint some issues in the relationship.

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Practicing gratitude helps you feel better about a relationship. Look for opportunities to tell your partner thanks, whether they did an extra chore, offered helpful advice, or something else unrelated. When you say thanks often, both you and your partner feel better and secure about the relationship overall.^[17]
- You might thank your partner for making the bed that morning, or for picking up some extra ingredients at the grocery store.

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Tackle your household finances as a pair. In many relationships, budgets and finances are managed in an unbalanced way. To avoid this pitfall, assign each other "jobs" related to the household finances. You might keep these jobs permanently, or trade every month. Working in tandem is a great way to better manage your budget.^[18]
- For instance, you might be in charge of grocery shopping for one month, while your partner manages your savings. Then, you can switch roles the following month.

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Visit a marriage or couple's therapist. Infidelity can be a huge roadblock in a relationship, and talking it out may not feel like an option. That's okay! Talk to your partner about meeting with a couple's therapist, who can offer valuable insights and advice.^[19]
- If you don't feel like seeing a therapist, reach out to another trustworthy third party, like a religious leader or close friend.

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Question

How can I change my relationship?

Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

The thing you have control over is YOU, not your partner. Identify behaviors that you and your spouse have discussed in the past. Begin to address them and make small changes. In the meantime, stop making any negative comments to your spouse.

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Article SummaryX

To fix a relationship, talk to your partner whenever something is bothering you, even if it's small, so you're not bottling up your feelings. Although it's not always easy, try your best to stay calm when you talk to them about how you feel, and avoid blaming them or bringing up the past. Once you've been honest with each other, focus on reconnecting with your partner by making time for them every day, going on regular dates again, and being affectionate. For tips from our reviewer on how to overcome relationship hurdles, read on!

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